#there are many csh lyrics that make me Feel Things | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

judeiscariot · 9 months ago

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I recently started listening to CSH and famous prophets (stars) is one of my favorites out of everything I’ve heard so far. I’ve seen you mention it on here a couple times and I’d love to hear more about your interpretation of it! Only if you feel like it of course lol but I’m not great at lyric analysis stuff and I’m super interested

hi yes i’d love to talk about it!!! i’ve been wanting to do a line by line of this song for forever so thanks for asking <3 (fair warning though this is gonna be really long)

this song is sort of the last 'event' on the twin fantasy timeline, even though it's more of a summary. it's the culmination of everything that this story has been building up to. it's a breakdown in every sense of the word. like many songs in twin fantasy and will's body of work at large, it has an insanely ambitious structure that's hard to even nail down. it's made up of around six parts but it's basically impossible to even separate into choruses/verses/bridge, etc, so i'm just gonna go section by section:

much like the first track on the album, this song starts off with a really simple, isolated bassline before will's voice comes in softly. the first thing the speaker does is apologize to the idealized future versions of himself and his partner who he had become attached to. he had all these wonderful visions of what their life together might look like, but he's finally realizing that none of that is ever gonna happen, and things are quickly coming to an end. the 'ripping of the tape' could refer to an audio tape, a reference to how the original version of this album was a lot rougher in terms of sound quality, and will has said before that he prefers the smoother, more professional sound of face to face as opposed to the lo-fi of mirror to mirror. the tape could also be what's metaphorically holding the relationship together, and it's finally failing. the speaker knows the relationship is falling apart, but the realization doesn't make it any less painful. in the final line, he shifts the blame to the subject, in a coy and resigned sort of way.

the bruises represent the speaker and his partner - painful, brought on through trauma, lesions that the speaker carries around physically on his body. 'kicking the back of the seat in' probably refers to the fact that most of the vocals for will's early projects, including twin fantasy (mtm) were recorded in the backseat of his car, hence the band name. the speaker has sort of embodied the role of 'emotional punching bag' throughout the story (you can text me when punching mattresses gets old), and the bruises, or the pain the speaker was caused through the relationship, were something he wore with pride as though they represented the burdens he was willing to shoulder for love of his partner. but the bruises are fading now, healing, steering the speaker towards the metaphorical 'healing journey' he will embark on after being set free from the expectations and needs of this person. the vocals up until this point are soft, almost spoken-word, but here we crash into a jarringly intense instrumental that totally shifts the tone.

this part is buried beneath the instrumentals, almost inaudible, but it's so important. i see this as the speaker encouraging his past self, who this album is sort of dedicated to, not to spend too much time lamenting over the end of the relationship, because everything is gonna turn out alright even though it feels like the end of the world. even still, the speaker knows his past self wouldn't listen to this advice if he could hear it.

an experience like the one conveyed through this album is very much confined to teenagers/adolescents. it's essential that the speaker and his partner are fumbling young people with underdeveloped brains. there are certain emotions and ways in which we see the world as teenagers that inevitably dampen when we become adults. even if the speaker and his partner, now grown, were to touch each other like they used to, they wouldn't be able to access the emotions that were conjured by their teenage brains. the speaker and his partner are no longer in contact, sure, but they've lost access to one another in more ways than one. the speaker likes to think that he remembers what it was like to be with his partner physically, but he gives just about the vaguest and most generic description of a human body that he possibly could, literally trailing off at the end like he can't name anything beyond a few body parts. he doesn't actually remember specifics about this person at all.

the speaker questions whether the deterioration of the relationship was his fault, if he could have done something different, been better, saved it somehow. at the same time, he's realizing that he couldn't have, and wondering if this whole thing, that he dedicated all this time and stress and agony and love and joy to, was a complete waste of time, simply because it was destined to fail. throughout this verse, the speaker is coming to terms with the end of the relationship while simultaneously resisting it. it's pretty clear that there have been a good few 'breakup scares' at this point, and the speaker isn't sure if this is the real, true, final end. is this how life is going to be from now on? waking life feels like a bad dream, and he's walking around wondering if this person is, or ever was, his, if they're truly gone. 'the great silence' is the enormous canyon that opens between two people who have just ended a relationship as intense and intimate as this. they go from indescribable closeness to functioning like complete strangers, and it would give anyone whiplash, but especially a teenager who had never felt truly loved or understood before this person. this relationship has been so unsteady that even once significant time has passed since the end, he still sometimes wakes up with the hope that he might roll over and see his former partner next to him.

will refers to himself as both 'nervous' and 'a wreck' multiple times in this album, and in several other places throughout his discography. it's kind of a recurring motif. this may also be a callback to 'the bell jar,' one of the first tracks will ever released, before he was even making music as car seat headrest. as far as 'naming names' goes, this is probably a reference to the fact that he did in fact call cate wurtz by name in famous prophets (minds) in the mtm version of the album. cate wurtz is a comic artist and the author of the lamezone series, and she may or may not be the subject of twin fantasy. i find theories about the real life person who might be the inspiration for this album largely irrelevant and uninteresting, nevermind unimportant to my personal interpretation of the album, so i'm not gonna linger on that aspect of it. the last line is probably a reference to this song's counterpart. famous prophets (minds) ends with a spoken word recitation of 1 kings 19:11 - 12. the actual final lines of the verse are as follows: "But the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper." in the song, the final line is changed to "And after the fire, a sound of sheer silence." right before will says 'silence,' the music cuts out completely.

by this point in the song, it seems like the narrator has fully accepted that the relationship has come and gone whether he likes it or not. this person has faded into and subsequently out of his life, as people often do. there's nothing more to be said, it's all over, there's no getting around this.

now we slide into the seminal refrain of this song. even though in the previous verse, it seemed like he had fully accepted the end, now he's crying and screaming and begging to go back. the end of a relationship like this is obviously going to cause some extreme inner turmoil and it's not gonna be a smooth transition for the people involved. the vocals here are kind of agonizing - it gets more and more intense until he's more or less howling. even after the final repetition, he goes on yelling and crying under the instrumentals. what is the speaker even begging to go back to? when the relationship was new and full of promise? before the two of them ever met in the first place? if he could go back, would the speaker do things differently, or does he just want to live out the events of the relationship again exactly as they happened, so he can cling to the fleeting moments of joy and hope that were there, even though he knows how things are going to end? at the end of all this, he asks his former self again not to spend too much time on it, which is somewhat ironic. once he's done yelling, the instrumentals quiet down almost entirely to just the bassline that was present at the beginning, with the occasional guitar note.

the speaker didn't want his partner to develop too high an opinion of him. even though this whole album is literally about his ridiculously high opinion of this person, he's anxious at the idea of his partner thinking of him the same way. he doesn't want to disappoint him. the speaker also asks his partner not to joke about his own death - this is the only person he's ever felt truly loved or understood by, and the speaker desperately doesn't want to lose him.

the speaker urges his partner to keep it together. because he cares about him deeply, yes, but also because he's not sure if he'll be able to give his partner the support he'd need if he truly lost it. the 'art' he mentions is likely a reference to the art of cate wurtz, but like i mentioned above i'm not interested in diving too deep into that whole deal.

now we're back to the seminal refrain of twin fantasy itself. the whole 'beach' theme is a frequently recurring motif in will's work as far back as the numbered albums. the 'grave' is the place the speaker is trying to lay his feelings for this person to rest, and the ocean is...everything. life, the universe, any given day-to-day experience that might bring up feelings of this person again. no matter what the speaker does, this situation affected him so deeply that his feelings will keep resurfacing over and over again long after the relationship has reached its conclusion.

the refrain continues in the background as the instrumentals build in intensity and will starts to shout over himself. when an artist’s work begins to gain recognition, whichever piece it was that initially drew the attention of large crowds of people may become their 'holy grail,' so to speak. if a particular song gets a singer famous, or a particular painting gets a painter famous, they might lean on the themes and techniques they used when creating that particular piece in an attempt to create another piece which draws similar attention. this leads them to 'descend into cliché' and create work with less creative integrity. the grave symbolism continues, and now at the emotional climax of the album, the speaker says he might ‘fill it in,’ signifying that he has reached some sort of emotional resolution. he is hammering in the nail to ensure that the coffin remains shut tightly, so he can finally move on with his life and walk away from these emotions which have consumed him. 'i could give you what you deserve' may be a reference to the oft repeated line ‘art gets what it wants and art gets what it deserves,’ which pops up throughout will's work. the speaker comments on the fact that he could continue to make music about this relationship, that he could ‘watch the hammer swerve,’ as he attempts to metaphorically nail the coffin shut, i.e. watch himself fail in his attempts to move on from the emotions he has drowned so many times in.

the mirror symbolism is a direct reference to the original version of this album, with the 'mirror' symbolizing the relationship between the speaker and his partner. i've talked about the 'mirror to mirror' vs 'face to face' images before, but i'll summarize it again here: the first image is one of two mirrors facing each other, creating an endless tunnel of reflection between two people who can only see themselves in the other. the face to face image is one of two people regarding each other, recognizing the other while existing as separate bodies. the mirror breaking is the transition between mirror to mirror and face to face. the fantasy is shattered, and will is now at a very different place in his life than when the original version of this album was written. he's decidedly beyond his adolescence, and he no longer sees his partner as a mirror. he wouldn't trade anything for this absolutely necessary change in perspective. 'blackstar' is probably either a reference to the david bowie album of the same name, or the radiohead song of the same name. 'painstar' is explicitly a reference to cate wurtz's work. basically, it's a concept from the lamezine comics of a star/entity which only comes around once every thousand years or so. when you touch it, you feel unfathomable pain, but only for a split second. i see the concept used as a metaphor for the pain of the relationship - was it worth the agony the speaker is currently in for the joy he once had? the vocals here once again grow increasingly intense as the speaker begs...someone, for something.

as the vocals descend in intensity, will mutters this, which is probably a reference to the bit in high to death that includes an audio sample from the movie adaptation of ray bradbury's 'all summer in a day.' it's a science fiction story which takes place on a planet where the sun can only be seen once every nine years. the main character, a girl named margot, is originally from earth, and remembers what the sun looked and felt like. the other children don't believe her, and lock her in a closet before the day the sun is supposed to show itself. when the sun does appear, the other children forget about her, and she remains locked in the closet. the sample included in the song is her calling "william! let me out! william! william! let me out, william!" margot is a stand-in for the speaker's partner, who is begging will by name to release him from the fantasy will has him trapped in. now the roles are reversed and the speaker is begging his partner to let him inside the locked closet. despite all the speaker’s efforts, the two of them still somehow end up on opposite sides of the door. will wants his partner to let him in, so that they may at least be in the dark together.

the instrumentals quiet down once again so that will is singing over a simple piano tune. this verse replaces the lyrics in the original version of famous prophets which called cate wurtz by name. in the original version, these lyrics were buried, whereas these are at the forefront, accompanied by almost no instrumentals. it's impossible for the listener to miss these. in the first ‘descend into cliché’ verse will mentioned that he could 'sing another song' as a sort of coping mechanism or way of dealing with the end of this relationship, so the 'music forsaking you' could refer to the speaker's coping mechanisms not being enough to comfort him in the aftermath of the relationship. rolling the stone over the grave is the same deal as will 'hammering in the nail' in an attempt to seal off his feelings about the relationship. this also evokes some biblical imagery, with how the entrance to the tomb of jesus was blocked with a huge stone. on the other hand, he could stare his feelings in the face, confront them head on and learn to cope. 'when the levee breaks' is probably a reference to the led zeppelin song 'if the levee breaks.' it seems like will is referencing several well-known musicians while thinking of his own 'prophecy' for his music career. this could be a reach, but the stone line might also be a reference to the rolling stones if we're going with this interpretation. the final line might refer to the fact that, even though these bands were and are incredible famous, the music industry is a cyclical entity and all famous bands will eventually fade out of the spotlight.

that 'what happened to you' might be a reference to leonard cohen's 'death of a ladies man.' will is a big leonard cohen fan and references to his work pop up fairly often. but other than that this verse fades into a soft instrumental where the fractured pieces of what will eventually be the spoken word outro start to fade in:

these are snippets from 1 corinthians 13, and reesa mallen is the actress who played margot in all summer in a day. this is a direct quote from the verse, but will shifts the order of the lines around to depart from the original meaning. the intended message of this verse is basically that love is the key to everything, and that one cannot access great and miraculous things in the absence of love. this arrangement of the lines sort of suggests the opposite - that love enters your life and wrecks you on its way out, that no matter what sort of effort you put out, when love goes it will leave you with nothing. i'll talk a little more about the use of this verse when we get to the end.

this is the true ultimate climax of the song, and of the story as a whole. it's a fractured, distorted sample of my boy, the first song on the album. i can't even describe how crazy this actually sounds you gotta just listen to it. i've talked about this before but my boy is a pretty hopeful and optimistic way to open this album, and throughout the story all that optimism and hope has pretty much been crushed. to me, this part is where the speaker has a breakthrough of sorts and truly, truly understands that it's over, even though his feelings for this person will keep resurfacing, the relationship is crumbling in his hands and soon there will be nothing left at all. the only line from my boy that's not present here is 'we won't be alone,' so do with that what you will. this section is just so insane, the instrumentals and the desperation and rawness of the vocals, there's one or two moments in here where will's voice blends completely with a guitar note, it's incredible. one of the things i love most about twin fantasy is how it manages to take this experience that would generally be regarded as frivolous, unimportant, childish, naive, etc, and successfully convey how deadly deadly serious it feels in the moment. like when we break it down to its bare essentials this album is about an online relationship between two teenagers in 2009. yet it somehow adequately conveys the absolute utter and complete long lasting devastation a relationship like this can feel in a hormone-addled teenage brain. the emotions of teenagers and adolescents are very often brushed off as overdramatic and kinda made fun of in media in general, but just because adolescent emotions are affected by teenage hormones or whatever doesn't make them any less real. in fact i think being a teenager often makes interpersonal relationship experiences similar to this all the more visceral and painful. this part of the song is where that really comes through for me and i find it so incredibly cathartic. the sheer grandiosity of the instrumentals ties it all together, and the horn arrangement in particular is amazing. will uses horns a fair amount in his work and it's always beautiful, but something about this instance specifically just shakes me to my core, man. it's like he's wailing in agony with all the choirs of heaven behind him.

now the instrumentals quiet down and an unfractured recitation of 1 corinthians 13 fades in. this verse perfectly sums up everything this story is about, and the whole idea behind remaking the album in the first place. the speaker and protagonist of the album is an adult now, and he's had years to process these events by this point. he no longer views them through that addled adolescent lens, but he remembers what it felt like to be shaken to his core by this situation. even still, he now sees the relationship for exactly what it is. he no longer sees others as a reflection of himself. he's able to regard the person who he underwent all this agony for as a separate, independent being and understand that his perception of them was false. no matter one's age, it's often borderline impossible to grasp the full significance of important life events as they're happening. only with time and reflection can we truly come to understand and process how events have affected us and how we are changed in their aftermath. the speaker in mtm is clouded by raw emotion, and therefore only capable of knowing 'in part.' the speaker in ftf is more mature, has garnered more life experience, and evidently spent many painful hours working through these events. therefore, he now 'knows fully,' and with the ability to know fully comes the ability to be fully known, to be truly loved and understood as he never could while operating under the delusions fueling this relationship. the instrumentals drop off entirely for the final line, which is a slight alteration from the actual bible quote. the original is as follows: 'And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.' this change allows for ambiguity as to which of the three remain within the speaker. the change could also refer to the two versions of the album which now exist, or it could refer to the speaker and the subject as people.

so that's famous prophets (stars). it's an absolutely incredible song and if you've never heard it you really really should. you can only really get the full affect if you listen to the whole album straight through, but i know not everybody feels like doing that lmao, same as many people don't feel like listening to a 17 minute song in the first place. but i think this song is best heard in your room, in the dark, at night, played over a speaker, while you're maybe just a little too high. can't recommend enough.

#thank you for asking i've been really wanting to write this out so i'm glad i got an excuse to #sorry it took a minute lmao i've been stupid busy #but as usual i know this is crazy long so you do NOT have to read all of it lmfao #answered #csh #twin fantasy

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cabeswarenn · 2 years ago

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giving trc characters acyers car seat headrest songs because i love csh and trc: pynch edition!

oh boy okay so. RONAN. aGUH. the drum. (the my back is killing me baby version)

- the drum is a roman song with the lyrics of hungover dreaming and if he doesn’t get it right just FUCK IT!!! it’s ronan it is so ronan. the song speaks about wasting time not listening to those of authority around you. and speaks of being a creator and being pulled apart by seperaye lukls of gravity (which i allude to his humanities vs his dreamer stuff). it’s just so him.

- another song is i want you to know i’m awake/i hope that you’re asleep. to me it sounds very much like his feelings about himself and his struggling with his time after losing niall and dealing with all of the things going in inbetween niall’s death and the end of trk.

- something soon. “taking pills to keep from dreaming, i want to break something important, i want to kick my dad in the shins. i was referring to the present and past tense, it was the only way that i could survive it” it’s him. it’s so him. the song explores needing something to happen, being tired of complacency and needing something soon. “i want to romanticize my headfuck, heavy boots in my throat i need, i need something soon, i need something soon. i cant talk to my folks i need, i need something soon.” and the songs details into anger of burning shit DOWN!!! grief turned into anger, that’s what ronan deals with constantly.

- final one for him is crows (rest in bigger pieces)this to me is a song that fits him in the way of his pining. his yearn for others in a sense of needing others, and for adam exclusively in a romantic and intimate sense. it just sounds like him to me too and i think it fits him well.

- also ronan in general is very teens of denial. it has a nice rock sound to it overall and all of the songs in there just fit him in ways and i think it fits him quite well.

for ADAM. i have many thoughts because i relate to him so deeply.

first up

- we can’t afford (your depression anymore)

the song is one of quite literally not being able to afford being depressed, you can’t afford to take a break, even if you’re tired and not able to be there, you go, you show up and you make the most out of what you’ve got (st agnes) because it’s yours and because you have no other choice.

secondly

-1937 state park, for the lyrics “i didn’t want you to hear that shake in my voice my pain is my own”

thirdly

- stoop kid. the song explores themes of being afraid to leave, even when the cost of staying is detrimental.

- also probably the most adam song FILL IN TJE BLANK!!!

“you’ve got no right to be depressed, you haven’t tried hard enough to like it, haven’t seen enough of this world yet, but it hurts it hurts it hurts so stop your whining try again, no one wants to cause you pain, they’re just trying to let some air in but you hold your breath” to me this song is adams relationship to the privilege all around him, and in specific gansey. he doesn’t get to whine, he doesn’t get a break, and everyone around him complaining of life and “summer vacations” and aglionby students gets to him. and this song to me is a reflection of the anger and frustration of living around so much privilege, while him never being able to vent it out. the song also turns into one of, stop complaining, hooe will come, the sun will shine, which to me reflects trk and the ending of it all, and his actual start to life in dreamer trilogy. you haven’t seen enough of the world yet. “i’ve got a right to be depressed, i haven’t seen too much of this world yes, but it hurts it hurts it hurts and i will start to see the light, that i’ve seen shining in your eyes”

pynch car seat headrest songs

- of course it’s cute thing alright i’m a sucker for this song. also psst, teenagers take off your clo

and as well

- dreams fall hard. this one moreso an adam song. but it talks about disappointment with life, and parents being disappointed in you and how your life is going. and you being weak, and feeling like things are falling apart. but having the comfort of a loved one to be there. and remind you of good.

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nervous-young-unhuman · 3 years ago

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tybee island horse ghosts

I began my journey into the first track of Car Seat Headrest’s first album with research. I quite honestly still have no idea how Tybee Island falls into the life of WIll Toledo, but it is a real place. Tybee Island is a small island located near Savannah, Georgia and is apparently a popular beach destination in the state. With some TripAdvisor reviews I discovered two things. 1) Savannah, Georgia is one of the most haunted cities in America, and 2) Tybee Island is definitely (allegedly) haunted. A lot of the island seems to center around an old lighthouse, where lots of people have reported paranormal experiences from inside. Aside from this it's actually a pretty average, innocent beach town that really doesn’t have a lot going on, but iIf anyone knows how Will ties into Tybee I would be interested to hear.

Now onto the actual music. I will never understand the hate that 1 gets. Controversially the numbered albums are some of my favorite works of Car Seat Headrest. There’s something so gut wrenching about the rawness of them. If your reasoning for disliking the numbered albums or any of Car Seat Headrest’s early work is the production quality you are one of the most annoying people on the planet. This album was produced by Toledo in the back of his car at 17, of course you aren’t going to get the studio quality you desperately crave for reasons I will never be able to understand. Believe it or not but the album is just good and that's okay.

Lyrically the song is pretty empty. It consists of two verses and then the word asteroid repeated multiple times after each verse. Some have claimed the lyrics to be a reference to The Little Prince, but this remains unconfirmed by Toledo, and I will not be examining the lyrics from that perspective. When reading the lyrics in the first verse, I see it as someone has died.

“When I look at the sky at night

I can hear you laughing on your star

All the other stars laugh along with me

I can hear them from down there”

Perhaps Toledo believes this person to be looking down on him and laughing. Whether the laughing is of comfort or of spite is up to your interpretation. Upon first reading them I had assumed it was of a spiteful manor, but after some consideration it could also be a comforting laugh, some other worldly joy that has come after death. Either way they're laughing together and Will can “hear them” from the earth. This is what leads me to believe it is laughing out of spite, the sting of being talked about behind your back and everyone reacting like it’s the best thing they’ve heard. I guess this theory also comes from the shame I feel from many Car Seat Headrest lyrics.

After this asteroid is repeated 6 times. I am not entirely sure of my own thoughts of why this occurs. Maybe it represents some kind of mental explosion, a breaking point of sorts. Maybe it references a death, but I haven’t been able to find any discussion on them. When reading the next lyric I start to channel my thinking into death.

“When it's over all the lights go out

But let's stay and watch the credits

Let's move over a little and watch the sunset

Tybee Island horse ghosts”

“When it’s all over and the lights go out” is the lyric I’m most heavily drawn to. I’m not sure why, but I take it as it represents some kind of life after death. Could these Tybee Island horse ghosts be some lost souls who ended up in Tybee? Are they there observing from the background for an eternity, watching the ending of life as one big movie? The “credits” could be the ending of a day or a life being watched by some force greater than humans. The lyrics, or lack of them, leave many questions for me, but maybe that’s how it should be. Death is a mystery to all those who are living, maybe the lack of information is some kind of metaphor for the little we know about what’s next.

Asteroid is repeated 18 times after the second and final verse, in 3 sets of 6. I don’t believe the meaning to change from my original theory, maybe this time it represents some kind of closure or acceptance, but that doesn’t really lead anywhere. Maybe these horse ghosts have just accepted the hit, it’s inevitable at this point so why try to fight it.

Beyond the lyrics is the actual musical composition of the song. It’s sharp and metallic and gritty which is something that is seen a lot in the early work of CSH. There’s also a lot of background noise, including talking, with words I can’t make out. There’s some subtle acoustic guitar throughout the duration of the song as well. Sitting at 4:55 it’s actually one of the longest songs on the album, only beat out by kid war and mortgages for veterans. I actually was really impressed by the musical composition of the song, it’s extremely unique and very impressive for Will only being 17 at the time of its release.

There is so much that has gone unknown about 1, and the numbered albums in general. Even in online spaces centered around the band the discussions of them are few and far between. I wish more was known about these albums and the thought and meaning behind all of the songs, but I hope I have managed to open someone’s mind to further investigate what these lyrics and others could possibly mean. If you know anything I haven’t mentioned please feel free to share it with me. I want to give all of Car Seat Headrest’s work the recognition it deserves, but I definitely don’t know everything. Thank you for reading and hopefully joining me on this journey through the many works of Car Seat Headrest.

#car seat headrest #csh #1 #will toledo #1 album #tybee island horse ghosts #song #song lyrics #song analysis #music #car seat headrest commentary #car seat commentary #carseatheadrest

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voidcat · 4 years ago

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– Contrition

Summary: Moving back to Tokyo the day you graduated Aoba Johsai was a tough choice. With your past mistakes haunting you after all these years, you have your ways to cope and ease it. Seeing a all too familiar face from your past brings all your regrets crushing down on you.

Genre & Warnings: Angst & mentions of drinking, negative thoughts (tried to keep it as light as possible)

Characters: You, Oikawa Tooru, Iwaizumi Hajime, Kuroo Tetsurou, Bokuto Koutarou

Word Count: 4.3k

A/N: I had a song in mind while writing this, I avoided including lyrics to keep the momentum flowing (there’s only one line) but the song is The Ending of Dramamine if anyone wants to listen. (another csh song, i know)

Ding.

Your first instinct is to throw your hand at where your phone should be. Second is to jolt awake.

Third step shouldn’t be wondering why your alarm went silent before your hand hit the nightstand so you raise your phone to your face. It is not even noon and that was a message waking you up. Not that you were having the best dream of your life, you haven’t seen anything but pitch black darkness for a couple of years, really. But you wonder why your friend would text you about the planning evening-out and why would he even do that before noon?

Unlocking to see it is Kuroo instead, you furrow your brows a bit. What does he need again that is so important to interrupt you from your sleep?

> [hey, me and Bo are gonna hang out at that café you mentioned.]

Well enjoy your little date, is that why he texted you in the first place?

> [we didn’t invite many people so if you wanna come out of your cave before evening for once, we’d appreciate it]

You roll your eyes at the mention of your “cave”. Bad call apparently because as soon as you do, the awful headache comes back, along with the solid mist of thoughts banging against your skull, dying to get out. Peaking through the curtain a bit, you decide a sunny day may not hurt after all.

In fact it may even help and put you in a better mood for the rest of the day. You couldn’t be more wrong.

First step into the café and you’re frozen in place. As if someone poured a bucket full of ice cold water over your head, you cannot move, cannot tear your gaze away from the figure that caused this in the first place.

The heaviness inside your head only gets worse.

(How did he come here? When did he come? Is it really him? What is he doing? Does he know Kuroo? Is he with someone else? What if he is here with hi-)

The storm of questions comes to a stop the moment you feel a hand landing on your shoulder. You don’t need to look up to see the owner of this firm grip. “Heeey, Kuroo”

Forcing a smile on your face, your greeting sounds unfinished.

“Glad to see you could make it. And look at you! You didn’t even dress up as the annoying emo you are.” His smile eases you.

“Who are you to judge me when you have that hair and still cry to Ghost of You.” Your forced smile turns into something more natural as you speak. He raises his hands in defense. “Touché! Come now, we’re over here.”

The moment of calm and happiness is short lived because of course the figure, the source of your current distress, was him and he just had to be sitting at your table. You can feel something sour in your mouth, almost metallic. Maybe you bit the inside of your cheek without noticing.

As Kuroo sits down, he is unaware of your presence. Bokuto is nowhere to be seen so far, probably talking to someone he just met, cracking a joke or making small talk. There are only two empty seats, next to him and in front of him. You settle down next to Kuroo and only then he looks up to the sound of moving seat.

You reach down to your pocket and take your earphones out, place them on your left. Opening your message app, you text your friend the location and to come as quickly as he can, add that it’s your treat. Because whatever is about to happen soon, you need all the back up as you can.

His gaze is as piercing as ever, violently searching for the tiniest bit of give away on your face, a hint of weakness or fear. You two lock up gazes until you hear someone clearing their throat. Your gaze still fixed on one another.

“How about I introduce you two? Oikawa this-“

“We’ve met before.” You cut him off.

“What? Since when?”

“High school.” He sounds calmer than the last time you’ve spoken to him. Colder too. It’s weird to see him without a smile plastered on his face, a fake trademark one or not. He looks at Kuroo again, his voice a bit warmer this time.

“What about you two?”

“None of your business.” “Biochem.” Both of you speak at the same time, turn to one another. Whatever disagreement it is between you and Oikawa, Kuroo can see it well, and wants to avoid as long as it takes to survive. An uncomfortable silence takes over your table.

Until it is interrupted with a loud “Hey Hey Hey” chanting of Bokuto, he seems chirpy as ever, shooting each of you a smile and taking the remaining seat, unaware of the ongoing tension so far.

“Hey, good to see you outside. I was afraid we would have to force ourselves into your apartment again.” You chuckle at that. “What is it with you two always giving me shit for simply preferring indoors to outdoors?” Bokuto means well and you know it, your voice is lighter and livelier while speaking to him. You could even smile right now, if it wasn’t for the unwelcoming face in front of you.

“Haven’t changed at all huh. I never knew you had a thing for ugly messy hair.” Here comes the low and cold tone.

“Don’t talk like you never felt anything for the owner of the said hair. At least I had the courage to act up on it and engage in something.” You should’ve left as soon as you saw Oikawa, confrontation was inevitable for sure but you don’t need this right now. Your words must have worked as you intended because you can see him tensing up a bit, like a cat bristling its tail, preparing to attack.

“And bio chem? Sticking to the medical field again? So much for pursuing what you want and finding yourself I guess.”

It comes out of nowhere and unexpected. Maybe you’ve expected it, considering Oikawa was bound to make a comment like that sooner or later. You can see that confusion on your friends’ faces from your side view.

“Hey now, I don’t know what went down between the two of you but I can taste the poison in your words. At least be civil now and try to hurt one another in private.” Kuroo fixes Oikawa a glare but his words are aimed a bit at you too, you know him and he knows you. Oikawa’s words keep ringing in your ears.

You don’t have an answer to give, or a snarky comment. What can you say to someone who never stops for his goal and goes overseas to achieve his dream? What can you say to someone who beat you to another thing, again, and was right, again? What can you even do to make him feel bad when he probably has everything he has ever wanted?

Thinking of “want”, comes back the thought that haunt you at night, during the day, in between your classes, at your lowest moments.

You remember calloused hands holding yours on cold winter days, strong but delicate arms wrapped around you tight when you needed to be held, warm lips kissing the top of your head and your forehead, sun kissed skin shining ever so brightly under the cozy summer sun.

You also remember the tears rolling down the cheeks, hands formed into fists at both sides, trembling lips you wanted to reach out and stop. But worst of all, you remember the hurtful look in his eyes, painted with sadness and a tint of betrayal, a broken heart you stomped your feet on. The last time you saw him and walked away. Tried to walk away before having to see him like that, looking vulnerable and upset… Alas turning your head couldn’t have been slower and the image of him standing like that was engraved to your mind forever.

With a loud tud in front of you, you break out of your trance of swirling thoughts. You look down to see the menus on the table, wait for the others to pick up theirs and reach for the last one. You put on your earphones and play a song on your phone, going through the menu.

The glazing photos of sweets and drinks, all that food looking vibrant enough for you to smell them and you cannot focus. The lyrics haven’t started either, you’re all alone with your thoughts.

What is he doing now? Is he happy? Has he kept playing volleyball or stopped all together? Or did he pick up a new hobby like surfing? Is he here, around the town? Did California treat him well? Was he seeing someone? Is he seeing someone? Does he remember me or forgot about me completely? Does he think about me? Would he forgive me, befriend me again? If we ran into each other on the street, would he acknowledge me? Would he give me a second chance? Would he lo-

A rather pointy poke on your left arm, Kuroo. He mouths an “okay?” and you just nod your head.

Everyone around you is chattering loudly but the silence on your table is deafening, suffocating.

You see a waitress coming towards your table, you can see a halo around her head, magically appearing to save you from this torment of a ‘meeting’. “Hi, welcome! May I take your order if you’re all set?” Her voice is as sweet as her smile.

You speak as others are just about to turn their heads to her. Better play it safe and order your usual order, considering how you did anything but look at the menu. You ask for your favorite hot drink and thank her as she writes it down.

“Wait! Ah, do you happen to serve milk bread?”

“Yes our pastries are freshly baked, a new batch must’ve gotten out the oven a while ago. Would you like it with your order?” You nod and leave her to take the others’ orders, focusing on the song and closing your eyes slightly.

“Are you alright? What was that even about?” Bokuto’s concerned tone is enough to suppress the song.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Searching for something within the café to look at, you spot a plant and start to carefully go through the leaves, each stroke and pointy end.

“But you hate milk bread.” Bokuto’s words reach your ears. Oh.

“‘Oh’ indeed. Are you sure you’re feeling well? Or did you finally anger some petty demon and got possessed?” You just shrug at Kuroo’s words, turning your gaze back to them.

Oikawa is silent this whole time, he’s carefully examining you.

“Old habits die hard, I guess.” You speak up at last. You can already hear Bokuto asking ‘what old habits’ before he can even open his mouth.

“Back then I had this one annoying friend who loved milk bread. But he would make a fuss when a place we went to didn’t have any, mainly because I would pick the places to go and he wasn’t fond of me. So me-“ you stop for a milisecond “-And our mutual friend would make sure to order first.” It doesn’t escape Bokuto and Kuroo’s attention how you changed the placement of the pronouns, you always say ‘I’ and say it last, when talking about multiple people.

“So if they had milk bread, we would be the ones to order and if they didn’t we would avoid his constant whining and charming the poor girls into getting into a rush of finding him some just to please him.” You look up and meet your friends’ gazes again.

Kuroo speaks first: “And this is relevant to now because…” he leaves the sentence unfinished but he must’ve guessed the answer by now.

“Because I am the ‘annoying friend’ in question.” Oikawa makes finger quotes as he speaks. “And for the record, I never charmed any of the waitresses there or guilt them to get me milk bread.”

“You didn’t have to. One smile and it’s done. It’s not my fault you gave away smiles and false hopes to every girl in Miyagi like a dog burying the bones it finds to anywhere he can.”

He just leans back in his seat, arms crossing. “You haven’t changed one bit. Still rude as ever.” A thought seems to cross his mind, from the look he has, a stingy remark referring to you and the said mutual friend. He keeps it to himself. You’ve never felt more grateful for Oikawa Tooru in that moment.

“And you can keep the pity bread to yourself, I didn’t ask for it.” His hair bounces a bit when he moves his head up and sideways.

“It doesn’t matter as long as you’re paying for it.”

“And I’m the one to blame for your habits because?..” His voice starts to raise a little, so does one of Kuroo’s brows. “You guys sure you’re friends?” he says but his voice cannot be heard compared to the two of you.

“Because you are the reason those habits were conditioned to my behavior pattern in the first place. And mind you, they haven’t been appearing until you decided to show your stupid face and dump all that past baggage to crush me.” With each word you’re getting louder and higher.

“Or maybe just hate each other…” says Kuroo, more to himself.

“Look! The robot has developed the ability to fake human emotions.” You can hear the tone of victory in his voice, he is sure this is the finishing blow, in a way it is, but you won’t let him enjoy that.

“And would you look at the pompous king getting off his high horse and deciding to interact with peasants? Truly a sight to see!”

Hearing someone clear their throat, you all turn around to see the poor waitress standing with your and Oikawa’s orders of snacks. The boys must’ve ordered a meal. You thank her in a whisper again just as the song intro begins. It’s almost as if you and Oikawa weren’t at each other’s throats a minute ago. Diverting your gaze to your drink and the steam swirling from it, you focus more to the vocals and zone out of whatever conversation they start.

Another nudge, just as harsh as the last one. One of them must’ve addressed you in the conversation. You watch Kuroo’s pupils follow your earphones.

“What are you listening to this time? Better not be another one of your- sad girl hour music.”

“Nothing out of the ordinary and nothing to be worried about. Also I’m not the one-“

“Who gets emotional listening to love songs of MCR. Yes you’ve made that point several times.” He is grinning back at you again. “But if it’s nothing worrysome, would you mind sharing the lyrics with the class? I don’t want you listening to that band with the- Ah what was it that you said?..” Fake directing his gaze to the ceiling, as if he is actually making an effort remembering, you watch Kuroo for another few second. Maybe you should put him out of his misery, that position can ache his neck if he stays like that any longer.

“The album with the gay dogs on cover?”

“Yes, that’s the one! Now, are you listening to that again?” The clinks of Bokuto’s cutlery divert your attention. “…not exactly.” You can feel him arching one of his brows in suspicion.

“Okay, fine! Same band but not that album and it’s fine, just drop it Tetsu.”

“I won’t believe until you sing the exact lyrics you hear now.” Lucky me, you can’t help but think.

“Shabba de bop bop be shibby day oh yeah” He’s not convinced.

“These ARE the lyrics, I am not making this up.”

“I don’t trust you. There must be some hidden meaning to them that gains meaning with the rest of the lyrics or you wouldn’t have that face on you right now.” You don’t respond.

He tries to make a move to your phone as a last resort but your reflexes come on top. “Maybe it’s not the music but a specific someone that’s causing me to have whatever face it is I have now.”

“Leave me out of this and do not blame my presence for your mistakes.” Oikawa takes a sip from his beverage. “It’s not like you could’ve magically forgotten about everything until I showed up.” Again, he is right but you don’t want to give him the satisfaction. Who says I did?

It occurs to you that you’ve sent that text a while ago, he should be here by now. Sure he can be an asshole sometimes but he knows you long enough to know you don’t ask him to come somewhere out of the blue. You send a few more texts again, spamming his inbox just in case.

“Waiting for someone?” the question comes from next to you. “Yeah, I invited a friend over, one you know. He should’ve arrived by now.”

“Wow look at you, actually made a friend finally? Or maybe you scared the poor lad away.” You fix Oikawa a glare and turn back to fully face Kuroo. Ignoring is for the best.

“The one with the band, yeah?” a nod from you. “You can call here if you want, we don’t mind.” Bokuto adds. The song reaches one of the mid-melody pauses, perfect timing.

You hear the ringing until it dies out, dial again, 4th beep and he finally picks up. “Where, the hell, are you?” A harsh tone for each word, speaking as slowly as you can. You can hear the shuffling of sheets. “Is it 6pm already? I went to sleep a bit late last night.” If you rolled your eyes every time he did something to annoy you, your eyes would have frayed out by now.

“At least tell me it was some video game worth it and you finished the whole story.” A small laughter at that.

“No, surprisingly I started an interesting history book about Romans and stayed up to finish it. I may have gone to sleep by the time clock struck 5am though.”

“I never thought I would see the day you focus more on your studies. You can’t make it in time here, can you?”

“If you give me an hour and half…” “No need, just show up for the evening. But let’s meet at that pub you like so much instead.”

“Message taken, I’ll make sure not to gush about my girlfriend too much tonight.” With a little thanks and saying your goodbyes, you hang up. The music continues to play.

“What happened Ryan from the Office? The universe against you and your wish?” Not in a million years, would you live to see the day Oikawa Tooru makes an insult based on The Office. The weakness of it tells you he didn’t watch as much.

“Since when a celestial being with high tastes such as yourself watches a ‘cheap comedy’ like The Office? And just so you know, you could do better than a ‘Ryan’.” Disdain in your words, you lower your eyelids in a mocking tone.

“Oh I am keeping the ‘Toby’ card for the right moment, don’t you worry your pretty head on that.”

“Soo, the guitarist guy! Is he coming or what?” Bukotu changes the subject. “Bassist and no, we’ll meet later.”

Reaching for your mug again, you try to zone out of the environment around you, focusing on the music playing. Maybe not the perfect song for that because you can feel tears forming by the edge of your eyes. You can feel Kuroo’s light touch on your arm.

“Come on now, let’s just take these off. You know how these songs make you, why do you keep doing this to yourself?” Voice painted with worry and care, you know what he means but that’s how you have been coping for years, as silly and senseless as it must sound to him.

Pushing his hand away, you try to turn your back as much as your seat can allow. There’s still skin contact, the light touch of his fingers. Yet your thoughts are too blurry to do anything about it.

“Let her be.”

You can feel Kuroo stiffen and pull away at Oikawa’s words. You don’t need your imagination to picture the curiosity on his face. “Excuse me?”

“Stopping the song midway will only make things worse for the both of you, not to mention, make her even crankier.”

“And you know this, how?”

“Because I was at the receiving end of stopping that once, wasn’t fun, she didn’t talk to me or to- our mutual friend the next day. Turns out the cold bitchy attitude can get even worse.” There’s something else in his voice as he talks of the past now. Not even the insult feels like one.

“I’ve also witnessed her somehow feeling being seen or understood and those violent thoughts of hers being suppressed, some twisted way of hers to cope, I suppose. So yes, I suggest we let her be and listen to her shitty depressing music.”

You just nod your head towards Oikawa’s direction and head to the WC immediately.

“You sure you two hate each other? Because just now, and all those insults before, sounded like you two know each other a bit too well. Not to mention the caring in your voice just now.”

“It’s the same as knowing more about a subject you’re debating against. To crush it, you have to know everything. We spent a lot of time observing one another.”

“Weird.” Bokuto comments. They start talking about Oikawa’s time in Argentina and Bokuto with the MSBY Jackals, fall into a deep discussion about volleyball. You reappear short after and see Kuroo has taken your seat instead.

The drastic change of sitting in front of Bokuto works like a charm, the star-like eyes of his providing a sense of security and warmth. You reach for your mug and hold it between your hands.

“That was quick. You sure improved your silent cries and making your face look normal afterwards.”

“And how long does it take you to stylize your hair in the mornings? Did you manage to get it done in 50 minutes or is it still longer than an hour?” Despite the words said at one another, you two no longer share hateful glares but tiny smiles of understanding. You haven’t seen Oikawa with a genuine smile in a long while and it’s as ethereal as ever.

The boys fall back into chattering and empty talk, all the while Kuroo wrapping an arm around your shoulders. You lean towards him for few minutes until you straighten back up for another sip of your drink.

“And just so you know,” Oikawa starts softly. “He would’ve given you a hug, if he was here. One of the ones reserved only for the few of us.”

It takes everything in you to keep your emotions at bay. He means well, must have said to motivate you but still memories hurt as fresh as that day. You can feel yourself tearing up again.

He continues the conversation he was having with Bokuto and Kuroo just now as if nothing happened, as if he didn’t just slap you in the face and hand out a flicker of hope. “You two are enemies or friends? Just make up your mind.” You can hear Kuroo mumble under his breathe.

Watching them talk and move, listen to the blur of various voices all around you mindlessly for a while, the clock on the wall captures your attention, pulling you back to earth.

“I must get going now. I’ll just pay separately, you guys stay and enjoy your time.”

“Have fun in class.”

“Thanks, you guys too. Not the class part though.” Bokuto offers a wide grin as you search for your wallet.

As you take off, you pause mid step. “Oh, and Oikawa,” He locks his phone to look at you. “Tell him I’ve said thanks.”

“For what?” He is still skeptic of you when it comes to him.

“Just-“ (a huff) “Just say that, My hands haven’t grown cold since that day. He’ll understand.” Thoughtful, he nods at that.

“You can just tell him yourself, he’d appreciate it. I know he would”

“That’s what you don’t get. I can’t. And I don’t think he would want to see me.”

“I have him my whole life so believe me when I say, he would. But the issue is; you can’t or you won’t? Because you’re afraid.” Damn Oikawa Tooru, for being as stubborn as ever. You ignore his last statement altogether.

“Argentina better have treated you well. You’re paying for that milk bread.” You walk away from the table. You can feel his eyes on your back.

“What’s with the rush?” You hear Oikawa’s drowned voice, getting buried in the swirling of laughter and words with each step you take.

“Music class. Must be piano mainly, but it changes from time to time.” Bokuto says lazily.

“She’s still taking piano class?”

“No, she’s the one teaching.” You want to turn around and see the surprise on his face as you put away the receipt in your wallet. But you don’t. You walk away.

This time it’s not as hard as it was the last time you saw them. Difficult, sure, seeing Oikawa dumbfounded is an opportunity to arise once in a full moon but it doesn’t have the same crushing feel and the tightening grip.

You take out your phone to dial your friend again. “Drive to the pub. I’m getting shitfaced drunk tonight and you’re my chaperone.” It’s not the first time you’ve done it for the same reason, he lets out a quick yes.

You hang up, with green eyes stuck in your mind.

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reckonslepoisson · 4 years ago

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Making a Door Less Open, Car Seat Headrest (2020)

It is in the very nature of Will Toledo as a songwriter and Car Seat Headrest as a band that their music interacts with listeners in a way that is individual and intimate. Few artists’ rampant emotional intelligence makes criticism sans personal pronouns quite as impossible as they do. Toledo’s music is affecting in a way that is easy to adore, it is worked through the very essence of him as an artist. Car Seat Headrest were perhaps the defining band of my past decade, dominant because they were -and still are- so firmly attuned to the foundations of my music obsession while also intent on progressing far beyond what had come to be expected of popular rock music.

Informed by great American indie rock acts from Dinosaur Jr. to Pavement to Modest Mouse, Toledo deconstructed and reworked the genre into something intriguing and replayable. As early as his first numbered Bandcamp records, he was committed to challenging indie rock norms, embarking on ambitious songwriting without ridiculous pretentiousness, isolating the genre’s tropes and creating powerful indie rock. His lyricism has been similarly invigorating, a blog-era emotionalist with thin veils between his art and personal narratives. Oft-humiliating and self-flagellating, Toledo managed to enshrine deep sincerity in power pop anthems, oddly apt for being yelled out, anthem-style, at his live shows.

Every aspect of Car Seat Headrest’s magic has beckoned fans to simultaneously study and revel in Toledo’s music. He is both a product of modern music consumption and also, almost single-handedly, responsible for reinvigorating indie rock in the 2010s.

Making a Door Less Open is the first batch of totally new Car Seat Headrest songs since 2016’s Teens of Denial. Despite records like How To Leave Town and Nervous Young Man similarly featuring significant synthesised instrumentation, Making a Door Less Open has been noted for being the first of Toledo’s electronica records on a major-label. It also includes appearances from Trait, a gasmask-wearing alter-ego and a Toledo side-project initially intended to separate his provocative experiments from his CSH fame. These are complications to Making a Door Less Open that have distracted the attention of many without necessarily having very much to do with what the album does and how it feels.

The inclusion of Trait appears to distance Toledo from his fame, the conflicts behind which are the album’s main theme. Fame, however, is just a theme. Making a Door Less Open is the first CSH record without an overarching concept since those early Bandcamp records, a collection of singles rather than an ambitious, multifaceted whole. It is as an album of individual experiments that Making a Door Less Open is best treated – somewhat differently therefore to Toledo’s past seven releases, which have all, to some extent, been written and arranged according to some kind of concept.

Of the tracks here, there are more than enough that display bits of old-school Car Seat Headrest mixed with something newer and fresher. ‘Can’t Cool Me Down’ is a great, playful indie rock track with indietronic overtones, a favourite of mine because it doesn’t play to conventions of artistic direction but, in very Toledo-esque fashion, does its own thing. As does ‘There Must Be More Than Blood’, an equally subtle track and almost spiritual successor to How To Leave Town’s ‘The Ending of Dramamine’ - a typically lengthy, well-built, rewarding Car Seat Headrest track.

‘Martin’ too is harmless, fun indie pop, while opener ‘Weightlifters’ continues Toledo’s streak of terrific, slowly-built album openers. If there’s criticism of these tracks, it is simply that they sound so within Toledo’s songwriting capabilities. They’re playful, they’re unpredictable, but he’s always been playful and unpredictable. For “experiments”, they don’t go as far as one may expect.

There are other tracks that are a bit uneventful or even unnoticeable but these aren’t an issue. Most surprising about Making a Door Less Open are those tracks which are actually difficult to listen to. The widely-derided ‘Hollywood’ really is terrible, a kind of alt-rock sulk with verbose, vacuous, obvious lyrics. Every time, it makes for an uncomfortable, even unbearable, listen. ‘Hymn – Remix’ isn’t quite as bad, but it’s close, Toledo opting for an EDM-style instrumental followed by ear-scraping New Age that is knowingly quirky but teeth-grindingly clumsy.

Part of me sees these missteps as simply missteps, but another part finds it simply difficult to get over Toledo writing bad songs. It isn’t so much that everything he has previously written is perfect, but very little was outright dislikeable. And, as is so often the case when a cracks appear in the visage of greatness, once you’ve found some faults you naturally notice others.

So much of Car Seat Headrest’s intrigue and endearment has been due to Toledo’s emotional intelligence; how well he relates to and communicates with his listener, yet Making a Door Less Open is remarkable in how little one engages with Toledo or his theme. For us laymen, the usual youthful conflicts or tugs of nostalgia make for more relatable subject matter than fame. Even so, I connected with his lyricism on a couple of occasions. There were hints on ‘Life Worth Missing’ of the grounded spirit that had flooded Teens of Denial, Teens of Style, Monomania, Nervous Young Man, How To Leave Town, My Back Is Killing Me Baby and both recordings of Twin Fantasy - and those hints made me miss it.

Combine those less-than-listenable tracks with the large absence of one’s emotional connection with Toledo and the lack of overall concept comes back to haunt Making a Door Less Open. The sharp twists in style between tracks lack the cohesion of any kind of narrative arc which, in turn, makes the lower points stand out more prominently. Faults become less forgivable when they aren’t subsumed beneath the brilliance of a greater whole.

And yet, despite the weaknesses of this record in comparison to those that came before, such are the peaks that it ends up conflicting me. Music can, of course, be great without any dead-set concept. Making a Door Less Open can be a weaker Car Seat Headrest album but it still can fare well in comparison with other works of contemporary indie rock. As one dwells upon this album more, it occurs to me not that Making a Door Less Open is a bad record, but that it just doesn’t blow me away. Making a Door Less Open does not enthral and it is not a failure, it is simply an above-par record by a band that has previously, consistently soared far, far higher.

#car seat headrest #making a door less open #indie rock #indietronica #alternative dance #synthpop #2020 #music #review #music review

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rollingthundermusic · 4 years ago

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“Making A Door Less Open” by Car Seat Headrest: A Lovable Mess

Firstly, I want to apologize for my extended hiatus. The lockdown took a great mental toll on me, but I have returned to some normalcy, so I have returned to writing these damned reviews. During the lockdown, I found myself returning to an indie favorite of mine, Mr. Will Toledo AKA front man of Car Seat Headrest AKA the guy behind that hugging dog album cover that instagram music meme pages are completely infatuated with. Yes, my lockdown depression playlist relied heavily on those hugging dogs, as Twin Fantasy (the name of the album those damned dogs are on) is easily one of the greatest indie albums ever. Period. And that playlist is also heavily dependent on CSH’s latest May 2020 album, Making a Door Less Open. Coming hot off the tails of his two best records, Teens of Denial and the aforementioned Twin Fantasy, Mr. Toledo has taken the most predictable route and combined the best parts of both those albums into a depressive, introspective and at times downright angry album which has many strong songs, but is weak as a whole. The album doesn’t really start on the best foot either. The buzzing opening of “Weightlifters” made me want to turn off the album right there and then and shit all over Will Toledo as a person. It is by far the greatest failure of an opening in 2020. The fact that Toledo is able to transition that opening into one of the most beautiful songs on the record makes me want to kiss him. It’s an incredibly upbeat song, but with a genuine upbeatness. The kind of upbeatness that perseveres in spite of the obvious hardship Toledo experiences on the rest of this album. The songs cover hope, love, and questions of worth to a degree that made me choked up by the time I got to the album’s 7-and-a-half-minute masterwork, “There Must Be More Than Blood.” I have a thing for long songs, which probably explains why I’ve enjoyed much of Mark Kozelek’s recent works. The album does a fantastic job of mixing the rock-y elements of ToD with the more compressed, electronic-esque sounds that were teased on TF, with the latter being a bit more prevalent (and by “prevelant” I mean “almost entirely electronic”). That being said, there are a few weak tracks, mainly “Hymn-Remix” and “What’s With You Lately.” But they’re not bad, just not my taste. “Hollywood” is also extremely weird, and not in a good way. But on a whole, despite the fact that most of the songs are nice, I feel like I’d still rather listen to his last two projects rather than this one, and not for the fact the rock/electronic combination isn’t good, but that it’s easily outshined by the focused nature of his last two records. And that’s the core problem with this record. It’s lyrically strong, and I enjoy the subject matter explored, but musically unbalanced. These tracks simply do not work together, Hell, I get that the two “Deadlines” are supposed to sound like opposites, but there’s nothing unifying them except for the name and a few lyrics they have in common. In fact, there’s nothing unifying any one track to the next. It makes for a discombobulated listening experience. I had to go and check that I was still listening to the same record after “Deadlines (Hostiles)” transitioned into “Hollywood.” This seems more like a B-Sides album than a full release. If you can get over that, you have a pretty nice record. If you can’t, then just make two separate playlists, one with Teens of Denial tracks and the other with Twin Fantasy tracks and just plug in the songs off this record into those playlists based on which album they feel like they were inspired by the most.

#music #music review #music criticism #good music #indie rock #indie #car seat headrest #will toledo #lockdown #album covers #album review

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garbagequeer · 5 years ago

Note

what are your favorite cshr songs?

i change my mind a lot and can’t make decisions so im just gonna go album by album picking my favorites because there’s A LOT of great songs (also these are in no particular order cause i really am a gemini who can’t make a simple choice). when im done with this i’ll bold the ones i guess are my overall favorites but i have too much room in my heart and brain and i love all of them and i can’t not mention all the great songs that i love. Also my overall favorites change all the time hence the full long ass list. again i AM a gemini

teens of denial:

drunk drivers obviously (and drunk drives single version with the modified verse from plane crash blues like. if you cant find your friends you can leave without them !! so much)

destroyed by hippie powers (which holds a special place in my heart cause i remember listening to it 24/7 and going to the bar with my friends during second term finals my first year of college instead of studying and then the year after that going to see csh also during second term finals and them playing it like. full circle baby)

not what i needed. i feel so empty trying to explain this!

1937 state park

unforgiving girl (also holds a special place in my heart cause im pretty sure it’s the song that got me into them after being like hey i should check out that car seat headrest band since like 2013 but never getting around to it)

the ballad of the costa concordia like. i love to die thank you

drugs with friends (also it feels 5 times more special to me since i saw them play it)

fill in the blank

literally i feel bad for not just putting every song from this album like i love them all they punch me in the face every time but. gotta move along.

how to leave town:

BEAST MONSTER THING (LOVE ISN’T LOVE ENOUGH) LIKE. WHAT? WHAT?? !!!!

i want you to know that im awake / i hope that you’re asleep. you know that quote from like. an article about greta gerwig and lady bird that’s like (wait i googled it):Every situation is pretext for a confrontation: underdone eggs, a pile of rumpled clothes, a hand reaching too quickly for the radio. The question on the surface might be ‘What did you do?’ but the feeling underneath is ‘Who are you and why don’t you know how to love me?’that’s this song

is this dust really from the titanic? mainly cause i think it’s underrated and very endearing like. car seat headrest: more guitar shit

hey space cadet. obviously like

wasn’t going to put more songs cause i think i need to relax but. the ending of dramamine deserves to be listed i mean i can’t hear a thing now i guess i belong to me now but when night fell on montana i found a rest stop completely deserted but i still felt the eyes upon me so i drove away. it BE like that

you know what? fuck it. america and kimochi warui are also favorites. they’re all so good im sorry i CANT do this

nervous young man:

first of all: i wanna sweat. it’s like. you CAN have the euphoric emotion of bodys outside of the fantasy. effervescent amazing uplifting etc etc

burning man. i will go crazy istg like he’s like im defined by the fact that you’re there and we’re different people… i wanna burn your picture! i mean…… yeah

plane crash blues i mean shut up with all these bad vibes all this yelling just shut up shut up shut up! like. to himself.. we get it. and if your luggage is lost you can leave without it and if you run out of drugs you can sleep without them and if you wanna go home you can call a taxi and if you don’t wanna talk you can sit in the backseat. much to think about

death at the movies. sometimes you’re a little depressed and you just. watch movies and it’s weird

boxing day. hand will toledo a womanhood card right now for this like yeah! i feel so haunted and no one seems to notice and no one seems to care!!!! and it doesn’t really matter I’ll just ajlhfsdg!!!. ALSO literally i did something bad im not allowed to go outside anymore i can only be awake at night for the next year of my life. been there done that and all. ALSO i have worms in mouse traps baby cracks me up every time

the gun song. there’s a lot going on there

afterglow and jerks cause i love to have fun too

monomania:

misheard lyrics and i don’t think it gets enough love

times to die and also the teens of style version

overexposed (enjoy). again i love fun

los borrachos (fun fact: i saw the painting it’s named after irl and i was like. sick csh reference museo del prado)

SOULS. !!!!

maud gone both versions. sweetheart please love me too long

sleeping with strangers. i love to have fun

anchorite (love you very much). i get my feelings hurt by someone i love i listen to this song like. YOU SON OF A BITCH!!! YOU MOTHERFUCKER!!! call it catharsis

and that’s literally the whole album except for one song. im sorry

twin fantasy (which is two albums but. it’s really just one which is very meta of it/them imo. also unless i specify im talking about both versions):

B O D Y S

famous prophets. both versions make me feel breathless

beach life-in-death OBVIOUSLY

twin fantasy (those boys) and i think both versions really mean so so much together which is true of all of twin fantasy but. particularly here it hits me like. from he has only lyrics now to these are only lyrics now. it’s a lot

my boy (more the 2018 version)

nervous young inhumans (the 2011 version. for the monologue like. he defined twin fantasy. also the fact that galvanistic isn’t a real word he just fucked up and that’s the chorus)

high to death (more the 2018 version but both are great)

honestly sober to death for the don’t worry you and me wont be alone no more which is. so much. ALSO when they play sober to death/powderfinger and ethan does great vocals

cute thing (2018)

my back is killing me baby

no passion. he wants a man who would hate him and who would leave him if he were open and he’d do the same to him. he dreams he watches porn but he cant see it. he understands some ugly ass feelings

father, flesh in rags. it bangs

strangers but the teens of style version

happy news for sadness cause once again he says the ugliest shit (i liked you better when you hated yourself every time i think about love i think about me thinking about you) and it makes me think of that shit about how people will disclose they think they’re bad and they have bad thoughts when they’re going to ask to be loved. also you can never tell the truth but you can tell something that sounds like it

the drum. did i say i love to have fun? i love to have fun (both versions but i think i like the original more at least rn)

stoop kid

something soon (both versions)

starving while living:

it’s only sex

reuse the cells

devil moon

i hate living

literally all other csh shit cause i don’t listen to many songs from the first records :/ and stuff:

i can talk with my eyes shut

the ghost of bob saget. the lyrics to this song are hilarious and relatable somehow

i have to mention i am afraid of literally everything / i scream social / this one time I went to a coffee house because some guy I knew was playing and I just sat there for an hour and didn’t talk to anyone and then I came home and wrote this song / you have to go to college / it’s you you’re the asshole that made this but literally only cause i felt like laughing when i was 18 and finally got around to checking out csh and he was like. i wrote these songs about when i went to college and i was afraid of everything and shit was hard. cause like. same. and i just have a fond memory of going through csh’s entire discography from newest to oldest and ending up awake till almost 7am losing my mind. i feel like this about lots of songs from the first 5 albums but i don’t really listen to them much tho. someday i’ll get around to giving them a chance again

that thing someone made where they put together pain star (if heaven is full of people…) and …then it will be exactly the same as earth

does it feel good (to say goodbye?)

and their cover of hey ya even though it’s not a csh song. im mad no one has posted a proper recording of it because i do love to have fun. also their cover of this must be the place too. and the cover of waves of fear also. they’re all really fun

#answered #csh #car seat headrest #im terrible at picking things as you can see #anonymous

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miserabull · 5 years ago

Photo

@prismos tagged me to post my nine favorite albums

I feel like I’m forgetting so many, but I made short notes for each of the ones I picked under the read more

I tag @fat-snufkin and @libertinodalua if either of you feel like doing it

1. Extraordinary Machine - Fiona Apple This one feels almost too personal to talk about, so I won’t. Highlight: Red Red Red 2. 69 Love Songs - The Magnetic Fields Really long album and I savor every minute of it, sweet or bitter. Phenomenal lyrics. Stephin Merrit truly gets me Highlight: Meaningless. but also, “Chicken With Its Head Cut off” and “It’s A Crime” 3. Tonight - Franz Ferdinand Franz Ferdinand are the kings of singing about violent burning jealousy while being aware that the whole thing is kind of ridiculous, and I’m so into that. also, kings of my early teens Highlight: either Bite Hard or Dream Again 4. Teens of Denial - Car Seat Headrest It’s not especially better than other CSH albums(they are pretty much all great), just the one I think is the most solid. Highlight: Fill In the Blank has a personal factor for me, but maybe Drunk Drivers/Killer Whales 5. 11:11 - Regina Spektor I think Regina’s music today is okay, but her older stuff is really something else and it’s criminal that it’s not on spotify. Highlight: can’t decide between Buildings and Back of a Truck 6. Sublime yes, the ultimate surfer bro band. whatever, it’s good and this album slaps Highlight: if it’s the one with 2 discs, this version(no Gwen Stefani) of Saw Red is actually my very favorite Sublime song. if not, Santeria, but you can’t listen to that on repeat because it’s too powerful 7. Love Songs For The Apocalypse - Johnny Hobo and the Freight Trains (Split with Mantits) My 16 year old self would beat me up if I didn’t mention this album, and she would be right Highlight: Harmony Parking Lot Song 8. Dreamless - Crocodiles I don’t know if it’s FAVE FOREVER material, but the Crocodiles are my best find of 2019 so far and I’ve been listening to this a lot Highlight: Not Even In Your Dreams is a very fun and sexy song to listen to on repeat. possibly the only reason I picked this one and not Crimes of Passion 9. Violent Femmes Also a very fun and sexy experience to listen to, but in a kinda fucked up away. I love it Highlights: Gone Daddy Gone maybe, but it kills me to make a choice

#the lack of brazilian or just non-english speaking bands in here really says something about me huh #something I hate #oh well

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voidcat · 4 years ago

Text

– Hostile, Thoughtful

Summary: It is the last gig Micah gets to play with the band, before he returns back to America. Simon has never made it to one of their gigs and promises Penny to be there tonight. – punk band au; Penny on drums, Baz as vocalist and bassist, Micah as the guitarist

Word Count: 1.5k

Characters: Simon Snow / Tyrannus Basilton Grimm-Pitch, Penelope Bunce, Micah Cordero

A/N: The punk band idea came to mind with CSH songs mostly and I wrote this with Deadlines (Hostile) in mind. The lyrics are in bold and italic.

Dedicating this to B. (just like any CSH related work I do) This AU wouldn’t be a thing without you <3 – ao3

It all starts with the drums and the moment he opens his mouth.

Here is Simon Snow, at a little pub on a Friday night. Finally accepting one of the many invitations Penny actually took the time to write down on paper to attend one of her band's gigs. He knew before she could play the drums and knowing Penny, it was a guarantee she was amazing at it. But he never had the time to see them live until tonight.

“Come on Simon! This is Micah’s last gig with us before he returns back to America. You owe us at least this one visit!” Penny said one day in the middle of their study date and who was he to deny and tell her no. And frankly, he had been wanting to see them live for quite some time, the never ending tales of their rehearsals and gig mishaps…

So he finds a way to escape Dean Mage’s grasp and attention tonight and finds himself at the crowded pub, waiting for his friends to get on stage.

He can see Penny and Micah going up first, setting up their instruments and doing some sound check. As he watches them discuss amongst themselves, it occurs to him that he never met the third member of the band. Was that the vocalist? Or the bassist?

I think Penny had told me the bloke was both of these things, he thinks. Sure, maybe he isn’t that into the whole music act but even he knows that’s quite unusual and sounds a bit stuck up.

Most people in the pub are there to enjoy their Friday evening with friends over a few drinks but he can see the people checking the stage with their eyes every few minute, they must’ve gathered an audience for themselves after all that playing. Didn’t Penny say they usually do song covers though?

He is interrupted from his thoughts he hears the heavy “thud” of a boot stepping onto the stage suddenly. Long stylish hair, dark clothes to surround his figure and fit him perfectly as if they were tailored just for him. Dark paint around the eyes and upper half of his face, what was it that Penny said about that disguise? He cannot remember. The nonchalant walk up to Penny to exchange a few words and then putting on his bas and tapping on the mic to check if it’s on. Yep, that must be the vocalist/bassist. He seems a bit too posh to be in a heavily punk themed band. But Simon cannot deny the fact that he seems to be fit and good looking. The black paint seems to highlight his sharp features under the dim lighting. The purple glitter spread over his cheekbones, adding a pinch of not-so-needed charisma and doing his face wonders.

They begin without a word or a warning. Only Penny hitting her drumsticks in rhythm, an unsaid “and two-three-four!” hanging in the air.

I never see the threat too soon

The moment he starts singing, Simon feels something shift in the air surrounding him.

The blood on the bandage, the ghost in the room

His throat runs dry, as if he is the one on stage, performing in front of hundreds of eyes.

Got a canvas as white as the moon / But when I see it at night, it's a sickening blue

The vocalist’s voice is low so far and it feels a fuzzy feeling on his skin. Leaves Simon aching, searching for something he cannot name.

I was thinking people never change / But there's a new taste of dread that I cannot explain And the thoughts that make up my life / Get reflected in others from time to time

The guitar enters, the voice a bit louder, but it sounds to be lacking something still. Looking for something, searching through the room like a bat echo locating.

Now I've got another question / And if we run out of time, can we make an exception?

A new element enters his singing. Starting to sound more like he means as he signs, as if he was the writer of the lyrics and is the one asking.

Got a piece that needs completion

Every other words seems to trail off, leaving Simon alone with the aching emptiness of his heart, a place waiting to be filled, stinging a little as he sees Penny and Micah share knowing looks and hidden smiles, secret promises and silent words of love.

Oh, temptation / I could be a part of you

Simon finds himself drawn towards the vocalist as the words leave his lips. “Yes!” he wants to shout, raise his hands, make a scene, make a move, to be seen and to be held. “Yes!” he wants whisper to the brooding figure, wrapping his hands around him, taking in his scent. “Yes.” He wants to say to someone he does not even know, does not recognize, someone hiding behind a mask of paint. His ears fell deaf to voice of Penny’s back vocals.

And the next thing he knows, Simon’s eyes are locked with his.

Am I, am I, am I, am I on your mind?

He can hear the mild wonder in his tone, the small hint of amusement too. Almost as if he is directly asking Simon himself. He wonders if they’ve met at the campus before.

The world seems to stop from that moment on.

Everything around him is a blur of colors and voices. Eyes focused on him and only him, ears perking up at his voice, he cannot divert his gaze. Feeling a tug at his soul, he wants to walk towards to stage, to him. To reach out, get lost in his raspy voice, stay wrapped by this bubbly feeling surrounding him forever. In that moment, he feels himself floating in space, with him by his side, eyes never leaving one another, following each move.

The vocalist’s voice tones down a bit, just as the music. They begin the new verse.

Simon remembers Penny complaining about him and his performances. How he can be one with the music they make or sing it so soulless, if it doesn’t speak to him. He figures this song must.

The excitement in his voice is as clear as day, as blue as the sky, as warm as the scones Simon likes to have and as real as the never dying ambition to keep learning Penny seems to have.

He feels more real than anything else Simon has ever laid eyes on; vibrant, beaming with passion and emotion, ethereal, capturing everyone’s attention, making everyone long for him. Yet his eyes are set on one person only and that is Simon.

His voice keeps raising, building up with the song itself. With each word, he raises his head. With each word that leaves his lips, there’s a gleam in his eyes. Burning through Simon, looking into his soul with such care and understanding no one could possibly offer him before.

He is offering him the world, everything he has and does not have. His belongings, titles, his love and his sorrow, his feelings and future. He is offering everything Simon could have wished for and will wish for, every small thing he longed for, every major thing he prayed for. He is ready to give it all up, leave everything behind, to start a revolution overnight. He is ready to risk it all. And all his eyes ask in return is Simon.

He seems to tilt his head in a weird manner as he says the word “hallway”. Does this mean they’ve seen each other before? Have they met in the hallway? Is it possible Simon read his movements wrong and overthinking something that never occurred? The way he looks at Simon says he knows exactly what he is thinking and the questions he is asking.

And when the chanting of “I feel it”s and “You’ll feel it”s start, Simon is enchanted all over. Getting lost in the movement of his lips, his fingers, the piercing looks in his eyes; Simon finds himself drawn to him like a sailor is to a siren.

The chorus begins again, with Penny’s contribution, his voice still dominating the room and Simon’s thoughts. The song, and the rest of the night, passes by without a notice.

A hand hitting his back, Simon is pulled out of his trance. He looks around to see their little gig has come to an end and trails the room for him with little hope, remembering the time Penny had said he leaves as soon as they finish.

“So, what do you think? Pretty good for an amateur band?” Penny asks with a smile on his face, sweat dropping from her forehead.

Simon just nods with a smile, not trusting himself to speak or make any coherent sound. They stay there for a while, having a drink, Micah and Penny packing up their things from the backstage as well as their guitar and drum stick. The bartender waves hurriedly at them, showing them the photos taken from the gig, their last gig together. After that, they leave the pub, returning to their welcoming beds.

Simon cannot stop thinking about long slick hair, gray captivating eyes.

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